Memory loss

After the absinthe it was pretty much game over. I remembered drinking the disgusting shot, two of the boys threw up almost immediately and I had come pretty close to it. I also remembered getting to university and trying to find people, drinking vodka on the hill, smoking, being harnessed to a huge trampoline then that was it.

I woke up at 9am with no idea where I was or how I'd got there. I looked at the floor and saw my dress, I was still wearing my shoes and underwear. I groaned, ‘oh jesus, what the hell happened last night.’ My phone was next to the pillow. Seventeen missed calls and not one had woken me up. I felt sick and ran to the bathroom. Jen must have heard me vomiting, she came out of the spare room looking like death. ‘What the fuck happened to you last night girl?’ I shook my head and steadied myself on the wall. ‘Please tell me you know, I can’t remember a thing.’

I filled a glass with water and took a sip, too soon. I went to throw up again. Today was going to be awful. Jen told me the last she’d seen of me I was talking to Dave on the hill, bottle of vodka I'd taken along long gone. Apparently we’d been having an intense conversation, he’d tried to kiss me and I'd left suddenly. No-one knew where I was and they’d spent a long time looking. I put my head in my hands, I couldn’t believe I’d spent god knows how much on a dress, shoes, train fare, a ticket and it was the last time I’d see my friends together again and I had pretty much missed the entire event due to one disgusting shot of absinthe (and a lot of vodka). I bolted past Jen to throw up some more.

Having a ball

I poured myself a fourth glass of wine and looked at myself sideways in the full length mirror, holding my stomach in. I didn’t look bad. Pink strapless prom dress, white strappy sandles, silver and pink jewellery and white carnations in my hair. The doorbell rang. I opened the door to her friends, all scrubbed up from their normal scruffy attire and in tuxedos. They took a step back, ‘Wow!’ Ryan said stunned, ‘you actually look like a princess.’ I blushed and showed them into the garden. I put on some music and we chatted and caught up on what we’d been doing for the last month.

Jen jumped over the side wall in her black dress and trainers, gave me a huge hug and immediately started rolling a giant spliff. Nothing will ever change with these guys, I thought to herself with a smile. I went into the kitchen and found the bottle of absinthe she’d been saving for a ‘special occasion’...

Breaking up is hard to do

The day passed by in a whirl, I felt like an extra from Harry Potter in my gown and mortar board, a drum accompanied the procession through the grand hall with my lecturers dressed in a fine array of furry, silk, floaty capes and some strange looking hats. The pictures took forever and friends and family stood about trying not to look bored. I could tell her parents were wishing they were on the beach and Taylor just looked like he didn’t know where to put himself, poor guy.

We went to the union bar for one last pint of snakebite before leaving. Taylor kept looking at me expectantly. Selfishly, I really didn’t want to deal with him today. We walked backed to the house in the afternoon sun, feeling slightly tipsy from the beer and wine. Taylor grabbed hold of my hand and slowed me down. ‘You’ve barely spoken to me all day!’ he whispered angrily. ‘You pick your days don’t you’ I responded bitterly. ‘When else am I supposed to talk to you? You never answer your phone or reply to my texts. What the hell’s going on?’ I sighed, I felt so bad and just didn’t know what to say to him, he didn’t deserve this.

‘I’m sorry, I really am. Things have been crazy and I needed some time to work out what was going on,’ ambiguous as ever. ‘And what is going on?’ he stopped me and looked into me eyes. ‘What do you want me to say? I don’t know. Things have changed. We want different things and I need time to work out if we can work this out.’

‘I won’t wait much longer,’ he had tears in his eyes as he turned and walked towards my parent’s car.

Graduation day

‘You’re graduating?’ Paninder said in disbelief, looking me up and down, ‘In what?’ he couldn’t have sounded any more disgusted. ‘French, international politics and economics’ I said dismissively, hoisting my gigantic rucksack onto my back. He shook his head ‘I thought you were here on work experience.’ Rodrigo started choking into his cup of tea and my jaw dropped. I couldn’t believe how rude this gross little man was, did everyone here really think I was just a dumb little blonde? It did give me a great opportunity to prove everyone wrong though, and that I would.

Almost two hours later, having got massively lost trying to find the nearest open tube station* and thus wandering about London in the sweltering heat with a 20kg bag, I was sat on the train at Liverpool Street. We wouldn’t be moving for at least an hour, great so I wouldn’t arrive in Birmingham until midnight at the earliest. I put her headphones in and tried not to get worked up, why did things like this always happen to me? I blamed it on karma, maybe I should finally start trying to be a better person.

I finally crawled into my makeshift bed at 1am and set my alarm for 7am. My head was hurting and I felt grimy. When the alarm went off I was far from ready to get up. I jumped in the shower and got dressed in my new wraparound dress and sandals. It was a beautiful day, 32 degrees and not a cloud in the sky. I couldn’t believe I was actually graduating after all of this time. The doorbell rang, it was my parents and Taylor. I had been trying to forget about facing up to that little reality today. They all looked so smart and my parents were beaming. Even he cut a pretty fine picture in his hand maid suit bought cheap in Thailand on one of many voyages. I was in flap, my hair wouldn’t stay straight, I hadn’t eaten and we had to leave. My poor parents would cop the blame as usual as I barked orders and ran about trying to organise myself.

*Following the London tube bombings.

Home time

We went outside to the bus stops, groups of people mulled about, negotiating deals with illegal taxi drivers and trying to find the right night bus home. ‘I’m that way’ Piers told me as Lise wandered off for some last minute banter with her DJ. ‘Ok, bye’ I said politely. He leant down again and I quickly turned my cheek feeling bad but not so bad that I would put herself through another rubbish snog. ‘Um, can I have you number?’ he asked shyly ‘I was thinking we could go out some time, I’ll let you have a look in my props cupboard if you like?’ Aside from everything he was funny. My resolve melting, I dished out my number. I really did have no restraint and I always did enjoy a bit of harmless text flirting.

Piers disappeared into the night and I made a start on prising Lise away from her object of desire. We sat at the bus stop and dissected the evening, Lise practically wetting herself as I divulged every detail of my ‘first kiss'.

Kissing frogs

I was excited at the prospect of my first kiss since my long-term boyfriend. I felt like I could explode with anticipation as he leant down to my face. I closed my eyes, waiting for his lips to meet mine and when they did I felt my whole body light up. I waited for his tongue to move between my lips, I waited, and waited. His mouth was on mine but that was about it. I pulled away feeling a bit confused. He was smiling and looking all pleased with himself. I took a sip of her beer and decided to give it another shot. Same thing. I tried to force his mouth open with my tongue but it wasn’t budging and he was making a weird smacking sound as he kissed me. How can you get to 23 and be a terrible kisser? I thought to myself, thoroughly disappointed. ‘Get a room!’ a couple of lads shouted from across the bar. No chance, I thought to myself, if he was this bad at kissing god knows what his performance was like in other areas.

Disappointed, I finished my beer and made an excuse that I was going to find the others, he followed. Mel and Lise were sweaty from dancing and Lise was flirting hopelessly with the DJ she was obsessed with. ‘Ready to go?’ Mel asked with a cheeky smile, she’d obviously seen. I hadn’t realised it was 2.30am already. We went outside and parted ways to go home. Piers followed Lise and I into the chip shop. We sat and ate chips in awkward silence, I wanted rid of Piers and I didn't want to kiss him again.

First flirtation

I went to the toilet, it just made me feel worse. There were three anorexic, under-aged girls in skinny jeans and cool jewellery discussing how they were going to have their favourite song lyrics tattooed on their backs. They eyed up my bland outfit with turned up noses as I washed my hands feeling incredibly out of place. I decided to go for a wander and see how many stupid hats I could count. I’d got to eight and a crap wig when I bumped into Piers at the bar with a complicit look on his face. ‘Are you thinking what I’m thinking’ I asked. ‘Dickheads’ he said in his Welsh lilt, nodding towards the trendies filing past like they owned the place. I cracked up laughing and accepted his offer of a drink.

We stationed ourselves the bar pointing out the best and worst outfits from the prop cupboard. He was very attractive, tall, messy dark hair and big, expressive eyes. He was hilarious too. We must have been talking for over an hour, unaware that all the others had come for a gawp. I was aware of Piers moving closer to me, under the guise that he couldn’t hear my voice. I could feel that little electric spark you get when your sexual energy collides with someone else’s. ‘Can I kiss you?’ he whispered in my ear sending a shiver through my body.